Don’t ever travel with my brother
He is the typical American traveler: rude, obnoxious, he expects people to speak English and if he can’t communicate he just starts pointing at things, all he wants to do is get drunk (despite the fact he STILL can’t drink despite the drinking age being 18).
I hate it
I said “merci” to the guy who took us to the car rental place and you know what my brother said?
“Don’t be gay”
Ok, I know I can’t speak French, but that doesn’t mean I can’t at least try. unlike some. He thinks he’s such a badass because he drinks and I don’t and that that gives him permission to act so superior to me
Fuck you Clay. Fuck you
Christmas eve
LET’S GO TO THE MALL!
NO.
LET’S GO TO TOYS ‘R’ US!
NO.
LET’S GO TO ONE OF THOSE EYES WIDE SHUT SEX PARTIES AND STAND AROUND UNCOMFORTABLY IN MASKS WHILE NUBILE WOMEN AND RIPPED UP GUYS GET ALL INTERCOURSEY!
… YEAH, WE CAN DO THAT I GUESS.
AWESOME! I LOVE YOU, GRANDPA.
SURE, WHATEVER. GET YOUR COAT.
I’M SORRY, I COULDN’T HEAR WHETHER THAT WAS HOMOPHOBIA OR RACISM! YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!
WHAT’S THE MATTER? IS IT THE WHOLE GAY THING OR THE FACT THAT IT’S INTERRACIAL? OR IS IT BOTH? IS YOUR BRAIN JUST GOING TO EXPLODE THINKING ABOUT IT? BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS DOING SOMETHING TERRIBLE RIGHT NOW.
STOP TAUNTING HIM. YOU’RE SUCH A DICK SOMETIMES.
SHHHHH. HE STARTED IT.
YOU WANT TO REALLY HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN? HE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE BASKETBALL AND I’M A YOUTH PASTOR! WE’RE GOING TO GO HOME AND MAKE A STEREOTYPE CONFUSION SWIRL CONE!
I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE LIKE A TEENAGER WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK.
IT’S OKAY. HE RAN AWAY. HE PROBABLY HAD TO GO CALL RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
I WISH YOU WOULDN’T DO THAT.
I WISH YOU LIKED BASKETBALL. PLAYOFFS START IN TWO WEEKS.
HA HA HA!
DID YOU WANT SOME LITTLE ORANGE BERRIES, STRANGER?
WELL YOU CANNOT HAVE THEM! BECAUSE THEY ARE MINE! ALL THE LITTLE ORANGE BERRIES BELONG TO ME!
I AM THE ORANGE BERRY KING!
GUARDS! SIEZE HIM! PUT HIS HEAD ON A PIKE OUSIDE THE CASTLE GATES!
LET THE PEASANTS KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO TOUCH THE PRECIOUS ORANGE BERRIES OF LORD BLACKTHROAT OF BERRYLAND!
STOP CALLIN STOP CALLIN’ I DON’T WANT TO THINK ANY MORE!
I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOR!
CALL ALL YOU WANT BUT THERE’S NO ONE HOME AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA REACH MY TELEPHONE!
‘CAUSE I’M OUT IN THE CLUB AND I’M SIPPIN’ THAT BUB AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA REACH MY TELEPHONE!
Gia…
Did I lock you in the bathroom all day?
YEAH. YOU DID.
My bad. Holy shit. You completely destroyed that roll of toilet paper. That roll was totally full.
NOW IT IS TOTALLY FUCKED.
It’s everywhere.
IT WAS LOOKING AT ME COCKEYED.
Good job.
POUND IT OUT, BRO.
Word.
DID YOU SEE BEYONCÉ’S NEW VIDEO?
OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FIERCE!
SHE’S SUPER FIERCE, RIGHT?
SO FIERCE!
I’M OUT OF VODKA TONIC!
ME TOO! BARTENDER! TWO VODKA TONICS! MAKE THEM SUPER FIERCE!
THEN LET’S DANCE!
LET’S WAIT UNTIL THEY PLAY BEYONCÉ!
OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FIERCE!
SHE’S TOTALLY FIERCE! SO ARE YOUR SHOES. OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOUR SHOES!
I KNOW, RIGHT! I CAN’T REALLY WALK IN THEM BUT THEY’RE CRAZY SUPER FIERCE!
I LOVE THEM!
THEY COST MORE THAN MY CAR!
THAT’S SO FIERCE!
Wendy and Gia…
WE’RE … NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
I DON’T EVEN THINK THAT’S LEGAL.
I’M GOING TO CRY SOON.
THIS IS NOT AS SEXY AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
NEXT TIME WE RENT PORN, DO YOU THINK MAYBE-
WE’RE ONLY RENTING FROM THE ‘CLASSICS’ SECTION. I’M TALKING 1960-1975.
THANK GOD. THIS IS … REALLY NOT DOING IT FOR ME.
IS THAT HER-
JUST TURN IT OFF, PLEASE. LET’S GO TO APPLEBEE’S OR SOMETHING.
